What Can I Do If I Just Don't Get On With Someone at Work?
- Anne-Marie Dolan
- 2 hours ago
- 6 min read
Most of us spend a huge portion of our lives at work. It's no surprise that from time to time we come across people we simply don't click with. Maybe they annoy you. Maybe they have a completely different personality. Maybe you feel like they are rude, dismissive, or difficult to work with. Sometimes there is no major incident at all, you just don't get on.
While workplace conflict can be stressful, it is important to understand that not every difficult relationship at work is bullying, harassment, or grounds for a personal grievance. Sometimes people simply have different communication styles, personalities, values, or ways of working.
The good news is that there are usually steps you can take before the situation becomes serious.
Workplaces bring together people from different backgrounds, ages, cultures, and personalities. Some people are outgoing. Others are quiet. Some like direct communication. Others prefer a softer approach. You do not have to be friends with everyone at work. In fact, many successful working relationships exist between people who would probably never socialise outside of work.
The real question is not whether you like someone. The question is whether the working relationship is affecting your ability to do your job or your wellbeing.
When Does a Personality Clash Become a Problem?
A personality clash may become a workplace issue when it starts causing:
Ongoing stress or anxiety,
Difficulties performing your job,
Arguments or hostility,
Exclusion from workplace activities,
Unfair treatment,
Communication breakdowns,
Complaints from customers or colleagues, or
Impacts on your health.
If the issue is affecting your work or wellbeing, it is worth taking steps to address it. If the problem is with a colleague, the first step is often to look at whether the issue can be resolved directly. That does not mean confronting them aggressively or demanding that they change. Instead, consider:
Focus on the Behaviour
Ask yourself what exactly is bothering me? Try to establish wether it is their behaviour or simply their personality. Determine if they have actually done anything inappropriate. Try to identify specific examples rather than general feelings.
Have a Respectful Conversation
Many workplace issues arise because people are unaware of how they come across. A calm conversation can sometimes solve the problem quickly. Keep the discussion focused on behaviour and solutions and avoid personal attacks or accusations.
Be Prepared to Meet Halfway
Conflict often involves contributions from both sides. That does not mean both people are equally at fault, but it is useful to consider whether there are changes you can make as well. Sometimes small adjustments from both people can make a significant difference.
What Happens if it is my Manager I am Not Getting on With?
This can be more difficult because there is a power imbalance. You may feel uncomfortable raising concerns with someone who controls your workload, performance reviews, or career opportunities. However, many of the same principles still apply.
Start With Professional Communication
Where possible, try to maintain a professional and respectful working relationship. Focus on clear communication, written records where appropriate, professional conduct, and staying solution focused. Avoid responding emotionally, even when frustrated.
Consider Raising Concerns Directly
If you feel safe doing so, consider discussing the issue with your manager. For example, you might say:
"I feel like our communication has become difficult recently. I'd like to find a way for us to work together more effectively." Sometimes managers are unaware of the impact their behaviour is having.
Seek Clarification
Many conflicts arise from misunderstandings. You may believe your manager is targeting you when they are simply managing performance, enforcing policies, or communicating poorly. Before assuming bad intentions, seek clarification where possible.
What Workplace Channels Can Help?
Most employers have processes available to help resolve workplace conflict. These may include:
Human Resources (HR) | HR can often:
|
Another Manager | If the issue involves your direct manager, you may be able to speak with:
|
Workplace Policies | Many workplaces have policies covering:
Reviewing these policies can help you understand what options are available. |
Mediation | Some employers offer internal or external mediation. Mediation involves an independent person helping both parties discuss issues and work towards a solution. This can be highly effective where communication has broken down. |
If the problem is becoming serious, keep notes. Record dates, times, what happened, who was present, and any emails or messages. This is particularly important if the behaviour could amount to bullying, discrimination, or unfair treatment. Try to keep your notes factual and objective. Avoid emotional language and stick to what actually occurred.
When Is It More Than Just Not Getting Along?
Not every unpleasant workplace relationship is a legal issue. However, there are situations where the conduct may cross a line. Examples include:
Workplace Bullying
Bullying generally involves repeated and unreasonable behaviour that creates a risk to health and safety. Examples may include ongoing humiliation, repeated verbal abuse, deliberate exclusion, or persistent intimidation.
Harassment
Harassment may involve offensive comments, unwanted behaviour, or repeated inappropriate conduct.
Discrimination
Discrimination occurs when you are treated unfairly because of a protected characteristic such as sex, age, disability, race, religious belief, or sexual orientation.
Unjustified Disadvantage
This occurs when an employer's actions unfairly disadvantage you in your employment. Examples may include being excluded from opportunities, unfair workload allocation, unreasonable management actions, or unfair treatment compared to others.
When Should I Get Outside Help?
Sometimes workplace processes fail to resolve the problem. You may wish to seek advice from an employment advocate if:
The conflict is affecting your mental health,
You are being accused of misconduct,
You are facing disciplinary action,
Your employer is ignoring complaints,
You believe you are being bullied,
You think you are being discriminated against,
The relationship has become unworkable, or
You are considering resigning.
Getting advice early can often prevent matters from becoming worse. Many employees wait until after significant damage has occurred before seeking help.
When Might I Have Grounds for a Personal Grievance?
A personal grievance (PG) is not available simply because you do not like someone at work, but if the conflict has resulted in unfair treatment by your employer, a personal grievance may be appropriate.
It is usually worth obtaining professional advice before raising a personal grievance so you understand your rights and options.
FAQs
What if I think someone dislikes me?
Focus on their behaviour rather than assumptions about their feelings. Consider whether there is an actual workplace issue that needs addressing.
Can I refuse to work with someone I don't get along with?
Usually no. Employers generally have the right to require employees to work together, provided the workplace remains safe and respectful.
What if my manager and I constantly clash?
Try addressing concerns professionally and use available workplace processes. If the issue continues, consider seeking advice from an employment advocate.
Is a personality clash considered bullying?
Not usually. Bullying generally involves repeated unreasonable behaviour. Simply not liking someone or having different personalities is not normally bullying.
Should I keep records?
Yes. If problems are ongoing or becoming serious, keeping factual records can be extremely helpful.
When should I speak to an employment advocate?
As soon as the issue starts affecting your wellbeing, job security, or rights at work, or if workplace processes are not resolving the problem.
Can I raise a personal grievance because my manager is difficult?
Not simply because they are difficult. However, if their actions result in unjustified disadvantage, discrimination, bullying, or dismissal, you may have grounds for a personal grievance.
What if I am thinking about resigning because of the situation?
Get advice before resigning. In some situations resigning can affect your legal options, while in others it may support a claim such as constructive dismissal. Professional advice can help you understand your position before making a decision.
It is not unusual to come across people in our working lives who we do not get along with. It is important to understand the difference between just not getting along, as opposed to bullying, harassment, discrimination or unfair disadvantage.
One of the biggest mistakes employees make when they are having trouble with some at work, is hoping the problem will simply disappear. Small issues often become larger issues when they are ignored. Addressing concerns early, communicating professionally, and using workplace processes can often prevent significant conflict from developing.
You do not need to be friends with everyone at work. But you should expect to be treated fairly, respectfully, and professionally. If that is not happening, it may be time to seek support. If you are concerned with the way a workplace relationship is affecting you, or your ability to do your job, get in touch for a free consultation. MathewsWalker.co.nz | 0800 612 355
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered legal advice. While we strive to keep the information accurate and up to date, we make no representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability, or availability with respect to the blog or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the blog for any purpose. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk. For specific legal advice tailored to your situation, please contact a qualified legal professional.
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